rui: (books)
i will gladly stay an afterthought. ([personal profile] rui) wrote2011-01-19 02:14 pm
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This day is hard.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

1. I don't actually like talking about myself very much. Thus this day being difficult. Talking about my opinions is fine, or relating silly anecdotes that aren't really so deeply personal. Even things like coping strategies are fair game. But things i perceive as being 'self', my honest feelings, or details about my life i tend to keep private. This is very different than when i was younger and tended to vomit these things out all over the place.

2. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life, the majority of it entirely by myself and unmedicated. When i was younger, i heard voices and made up elaborate histories/stories about them. I would have called myself suicidal through high school and college, although in retrospect it wasn't a desire to die so much as a desire to stop hurting. Now i'd consider myself mostly stable as long as i'm good about my medication, and i have a lot of practice at that.

3. Mental self-regulation is a big part of my brain allocation. This ties to the anxiety and depression, of course. Somewhere along the line i figured out that there was a way to out-logic my melodramatic lizard brain, or at least become aware that it was wrong enough to not act on or automatically accept every thought and feeling as being real and true. This is probably the reason i have made fewer bad choices in my life than i could have, although i've certainly got a whole host of those.

4. My body is just rickety enough to be deeply annoying without being rickety enough to be actively disabled. I have asthma serious enough that it requires daily steroid use, frequent headaches and thankfully increasingly less frequent migraines, inexplicable joint pain and general inflammation issues...yeah this even bores me. But i feel bad complaining too much because other people have it significantly worse.

5. I read into everything. No, seriously. Picking motivations out of words and actions is like the most fun brainteasing game ever. This makes me sensitive to tone and word choice in ways that are both good and bad.

6. Despite the fact that i'm going abroad to teach English, my speaking skills are nowhere near on par with my writing, vocabulary, or general non-oral concept articulation. I pause and um a lot, and have days of mushmouth and aphasia. In general, i think i come off poorly in person.

7. My sense of humor tends toward sharp and dark, and my gauge of what is acceptable from life in general may be kinda skewed toward acceptance. It seems like a waste of energy to get mad about how things are, most of the time.

8. I have very strange karma/luck. My father actually told me that i have the worst luck of anyone he's ever known. But it's in strange ways. Like how i couldn't find work for almost two years, to the extent that i'm leaving the country now, but as soon as i took the Japan position, i fell into the local job i'd spent more than a year looking for. I rarely have to wait for a train unless i have somewhere terribly important to go, but if i'm meeting someone somewhere they're often held up by traffic or mass transit fail. I'll find something i've been searching for for months, only to not need it anymore, or pass up something okay for a great thing that then falls through. These things happen to me a lot. Life often snatches failure from the jaws of success, etc etc.

9. While I'm not sure I put a ton of stock in it, my astrological signs, both in the western and Chinese zodiacs, seem oddly on-target. I'm a Taurus and a Water Boar, and the ruling characteristics seem very true to me in general. Not a perfect fit, of course, because who is, but enough that it doesn't seem random.

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